Back to the core: How people handle change
Every now and then, when faced with bigger changes in my life, I think of ‘The Grief Cycle Model’. This simple model is a result of one-year long difficult interviews with terminally ill people, during which Elisabeth Kübler Ross formulated the five stages of grief.
Studying the cases of extreme human emotion, Kübler Ross distilled the essence of how humans react in cases of extreme change. The same reaction, in a lesser intensity, applies to change that happens in the workplace.
First, there is denial. When faced with change, it is completely natural that the first response is programmed by our defence mechanism. In this case, denial is a conscious or subconscious refusal to accept the newly established reality. It might come in the form of answering with “wow” five times in a row, a complete silence, or ignoring the issue for a longer time.
Then there is anger. It might be as powerful of an emotion as a volcano erupting, it can be as subtle as a forced smile, or as obvious as one leaving the room and slamming the door. Kübler Ross warns us that ‘If we ask people to move through their anger too fast we will alienate them. Whenever we ask people […] to feel something different, we are not accepting them as they are.’ (Kübler Ross, 2004: p. 13). That is why it is important to stay calm and detached when handling the anger of an upset person. After all, anger is not necessarily a negative development. It is actually a display of the readiness to face all the feelings one has been denying. Anger, in this sense, is progress. When analyzing the expression of anger, it often becomes clear that many other emotions hide underneath it.
Bargaining comes after anger has started melting away. Now, one tries to accomplish a truce. A lot of ’what ifs’ are in the air. Things that could have gone differently are over — and over analyzed. Bargaining evolves over time, by giving in to change more and more. A lot of talking and telling one’s story find place in this stage.
Then depression settles in. After anger and bargaining, often comes deep sadness, fear, and uncertainty. This is the acceptance that things have changed, but one is not ready yet to embrace them. Depression does not have to be negative; sometimes it is a healthy way to accept the feelings, let them wash off, and start over.
Acceptance is the last stage in the model. According to Kübler Ross, ‘Acceptance is confused with the notion of being okay with what happened. This is not the case’ (Kübler Ross, 2004: p. 24). Acceptance is a process, which starts with admitting that the change has happened, and that whatever caused the shock or trauma is real and will be staying. One is more objective in handling the change and willing to find solutions that work for those involved.
Your short summary:
And remember, as Kübler Ross points out in her last book, ‘The stages of loss — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — have been widely used and misused’ (Kübler Ross, 2004: p. 23). This is not an absolute concept; the five stages of grief are not meant to put messy emotions in neat boxes. These stages are not always expected to happen in the same order or separately from each other. Sometimes they will overlap; sometimes there will be regressions in the cycle.
Everyone reacts to change, grief, and traumas in their own intensity and unique manner. The reaction to the stages and the duration of them is a different journey for each of us. If you are going through change or helping someone go through change, it is important to be aware that everyone has their own perspective. During denial and anger it is especially useful to provide the needed information and communicate openly. During the depression stage, it helps to provide emotional support. From bargaining until acceptance, an open ear, mentoring, and guidance make a big difference.
Regardless of the stage, genuine, continuous dialogue and patience to not jump to solutions pave the path toward sustainable change.
If you want to read more about this topic, here are the original books:
On death and dying, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, 1969
On grief and grieving, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, 2004
